Losing my flow for writing
In the past few days, I have been posting short posts because I need to get this blog running. I did not like what I have written so far. It was disjointed, cold, and sounds ‘obligatory’ as I need to get something out there.
I used to freely express myself when I was younger. Sometimes I take time to visit my old posts to see my state of mind when I was younger. From reading old writings, I noticed that I expressed myself better without the restrictions from grammar or people’s opinions and arguments. While doing Masters helped me to think critically and exposed me to a variety of perspectives (an INFP’s heaven), I could not describe my research well. Despite graduating last year, the constructive feedback that my research was superficial still lingers. Unfortunately, that affects my writing up to today.
The feedback from the examiners was necessary because it reveals that I should not be in academia. Moreover, that feedback also frees me to pursue other things that are more suitable for me. I still love expressing my thoughts through writing; as I tend to write long Instagram captions for my posts. However, it was hard to post something here or on Medium because there will be critics like my examiners that scrutinise and dissect my writing. I know people say do not take the feedback personally, but that has also affected my sense of self. I felt that I was a bad writer and should not be publishing on my blog. I know thinking of myself as a bad writer is a limiting thought but in reality, there are different types of writing and content. I just need to be true to myself and find the right niche for myself to work on.
In the midst of all my struggles in 2021, I also saw people jumping onto Medium to write. To be honest, some of the writings on Medium were disjointed, and it gives me hope that I could just write. I still struggle when thoughts such as, “You need to describe more” or “The research is superficial” come back to me. However, I decided that I will slowly make the content that is based on my natural inclination and hopefully it help others especially in being honest with ourselves.